Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series SEESUN 1
by Smokin' Tacos
Summary: A satire of the glut of Calvin and Hobbes 'TV show' stories that were once so common.
1. Intro With Aliens

_So, yeah, umm, my first fanfiction(or rather, series of fanfictions) EVAR. I like funny parodies, and I decided to write a series of them. But, these are much more random and different than, say, YOUR stories. Please don't be mean and flame, if you would. I will write more, and not just for this category, I assure you. And, yes, this has references to fics written by the Gods of C&H fanfics: Swing123 and garfieldodie. Yes, I did run it by them. Yes, they said yes. So, on 2 da str0y:_

* * *

**Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series - Episode 1: Intro With Aliens**

Calvin and Hobbes need no introduction. Just like Mr. T.

"Gosh," Calvin droned on, "I really HATE Microsoft Word auto correct!"

"You said it." Hobbes replied.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

_**-ONE MONTH LATER-**_

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand DONE!" Calvin droned again like a Drone from Halo 3. Lame joke, I know.

"You think you'll really get a good grade on this?" Hobbes examined the typed edition of Calvin's history report on some small Micronesian island colony that existed for 5 months as an off-shoot of some tribe on some crappy island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that was around in the Dark Ages. Dang, school is hard!

"Um, yea." Clavin-I-mean-Calvin replied.

"Hobbes replied." Hobbes replied.

Hobbes replied.

"lolwut? Anyway, you'd better print that thing. The DOOM printer would appreciate it." Hobbes replied AGAIN.

"_**Where's that Verdana font?**_" The DOOM printer complained. "_**And the bold and italic buttons? This is getting tiresome, ya know! Oh, and RAWR.**_"

Calvin said "Oh, look! A new way of saying 'Calvin said'! Neat! Anyway, I gotta stop using the word "anyway". Oh, and stop going "Oh, insert thing here too. And print that document. DOOM printer?"

"**With pleasure, because I just found the italic button. HRRRRRRGGGGNNNNHHHHHHH!**" The DOOM printer (who likes to play Doom on Nightmare!) complied.

And the paper came out.

"Calvin! Time for our obligatory introduction!" Calvin's mother tried to keep quiet yet produced an ear-splitting screech that didn't affect her, Calvin, Hobbes, or Calvin's father, yet DID affect everyone else, even in alternate fanfiction universes, where Calvin is too busy battling aliens like Rupert and Earl.

"GARFIELD DIE! Wait, what?" Calvin sputtered.

"Calvin! Time for dinnah! GIT DOWN HEAH NOW!"

"We better "git down deah"." Hobbes said to Calvin.

"Ok, Hobbes. And, I can't WAIT to show my Micronesia report to Mom and Dad! Maybe they'll let me have extra desert!" Calvin beamed with excitement.

"Fat chance of that, Calvin." I think you don't need to know who says that. Not Taurus, who WILL be introduced later in the series as a villain. And not a throw-away one, the MAIN one. (until season three, that is). Okay, it's HOBBES who says that. Info-gluttons.

Once they were down to dinner, and sat at the table, Mom went "FATKIDZSCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

"EEIUSDHDHKHFBFJGFD! So, calvin, how'd you do on that report?" Dad replied like an average dad.

"Dad, stop decapitalizing my name!" Calvin moaned and groaned in time to his plate of anthropomorphic slop.

_Ohhhhhhh, ohhh OHH ohh ohhhhhhhhhh……_

_Weeeeeeee wooooooooooooon't be haaaAAAAAaaving a theeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme soooooooooooooooooooooooooong!!11_

"Calvin, that;s ENOUGH!" Mom slashed at Calvin with a SOOPRAWSOM NUNJITS0 SWORD MADE FROM CHUCK NORRIS!!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

I'm sorry, that was too random.

"Mom! Please don't use grammatical mistakes like that!" Calvin said, frightened, to his mom

"_**SILENCE! I AM THE MOTHER OF THIS HOUSE, AND YOU WONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO IMT YPOJNG SO FASF MY EEBALLS RBELLEDFIOJUIREGHUTIGSHERMANHUIEORGHIEUPGHRT404-**_

_**BOOM!**_

The house exploded.

Calvin was utterly amazed. The whole house was leveled(except for the dinner table), nobody died(Mom was nowhere to be found, though), and no-one but Calvin and Hobbes seemed to notice(Susie, Moe, Candance, and everyone else ill give a speaking cameo later on in the season didn't notice, obviously).

"Hmm. Seems Dad hasn't done much talking lately." Hobbes commented.

Suddenly, a spaceship came into view!

"Woah. Times a billion." Calvin amazed himself with his manly voice.

Hobes was too shocked for words, and so was Hobbes.

Dad was still eating his dinner. (read: dinner dead facehuggers from Aliens. Keep it secret!)

The spaceship landed, and out came two generic-looking aliens, with big black eyes, tiny, flat noses tiny mouths, and gray skin. Oh, and big heads.

Did I mention their spaceship wasn't big? And I can't stop using big?

Anywho, they didn't speak(nobody did), instead, they took Mom, whole and everything, out from their galactic space pockets.

"'Galactic space pockets'? AHAHAHAHAHA! That's even lamer than MST3001! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAZOMBIESAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!11111111111111111111111" Calvin and Hobbes laughed together.

The aliens shook their heads. Suddenly-then(the newest generic word hybrid, in stores now, only 3.95 bucks! BUY IT NOW FOR YOUR STORIES!), a big mechanical hand came out of the spaceship. I'm not even going to DESCRIBE exactly how it puts the entire house back together, to the state before Mom blew. Up. Sick 'tards. Then-suddenly(the even newer version of the generic word hybrid! Designed to suck the monies from your wallet! BUY NOW! ONLY 4.95! USE IT _AGAIN_ FOR YOUR STORIES!), the aliens placed Mom on the empty chair at the dinner table, flicked a switch on her back neck (omg future plot device), and quickly got to their spaceship, and flew away.

"Well, Calvin? How's your report?" Mom asked Calvin.

"I just finished it! Here, have a look." Calvin handed his report to his Mom.

"This is wonderful, Calvin! I'm sure you'll get a fine grade on this!"

"Yeah, thanks Mom."

Calvin took the report back from Mom, went upstairs, put it in his green gaping maw of a backpack for safekeeping, went back down and rejoined the dinner party. Don't ask me how he did that with the permission of his parents.

"Say, Hobbes?"

"Yeah, Calvin?"

"Who do you think those aliens were, anyway?"

"Eh, probably from the planet Plot Development. I can tell by their long hands."

"I didn't know you were so knowledgeable, Hobbes!"

"I didn't know you could say 'knowledgeable'."

"Are you insinuating anything?"

"Look, let's just skip the boring dialogue, and get to the fight that Mom and Dad CONVIENTLY won't notice."

"Okay, Hobbes."

_insert fight scene here_

"Well, that was lame."

"You said it, Hobbo."

C & H finished their dinners (respectively), went to bed, slept, got up, went to school, got beat up by Moe('cuz Calvin took Hobbes to school, to show him that he WOULD get a good report on that grade-I-mean a good grade on that report), and got a D on that report.

"Aw, MAN!" Calvin was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO disappointed.

"Well, young man, do a better job next time!" Miss Crab-I-mean-Woodworm replied. Replied replied replied. Replied.

"But I did!" Calvin moaned and woaned and groaned.

"Don't forget we told you so!" Hobbes sang.

"Oh, shut up. Hey, does anyone notice these different quotation marks? Cool!" Calvin managed to spurt out the LAST LINE IN THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE FIRST SEASON OF THE FIRST UNIQUELY UNIQUE NONBORING PSEUDO-TV SERIES ON THE CALVIN AND HOBBES OF THE WEBSITE OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

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_And that concludes this 6-page-long(in Microsoft Word, that is) fanfiction, NOT story. I enjoyed writing this, and i'll write more if you want. By the way, this was written at midnight. No joke. And, yes, this IS a series, an unorthodox one at best. Remember, R&R! Suggestions are always welcome!  
_

_Oh, and all the so-called leaked plot development in this chapter? Well, it all WILL happen. Just you wait. See if you can find all the leaked plot info while you wait! And one more thing, this will not be updated regularly, like every Saturday. It will be updated whenever I feel like it._


	2. SAAAAAAAAATURDAY

_Okay, second episode! Also, this is my first chaptered story EVAR! Yay me! Also also, if you notice, there were some spelling mistakes in the last chapter. I did that to keep you all on your toes! Muahahaha! Also, there will be some running themes during the series, so watch for those too. Hell, I might as well give away the entire episode up here! But I won't! So, read on to find out!_

_Oh, and, I got some reviews for the last chapter that look like this kind of story really doesn't work out that well. Well, what else do you want this to be? Tiresome, unfunny tripe consisting of VERY cliché "adventures" that blatantly rip off other writers? R&R if you really want me to go that way (actually, don't, by the 4__th__ season, I might do it myself)._

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**Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series - Episode 2: SAAAAAAAAATURDAY**

Calvin and Hobbes (or Hobbes and Calvin, as Hobbes would put it) were just waking up on a BEEUTINIFUIL Saturday. The time, you ask? 6:30 AM.

"I say, Hobbes," Calvin inquired, "is it REALLY Saturday?"

"Mmm, why, yes, I DO like Calvin, especially covered in gravy!" Hobbes sort of replied.

"HOBBES! HOW DARE YOU RECITE THAT OLD AND TIRED LINE!"

"Mmm…wha?" Hobbes was almost awake.

Furious, Calvin shook him awake.

"HOBBES, WAKE UP NAO!"

"Okay, okay, fine. Sheesh! Whaddaya want?" Hobbes yawwwwwwwned.

"Well, I WAS going to chastise you for saying that you like me covered in gravy in your sleep or something like that." Calvin yawwwwwwwned back.

"Other than the fact that you don't like me saying that, why would you do that for something I said in my sleep? It ain't fair." Hobbes said.

"Because, you can find that line in at LEAST 50 other fanfics that have you sleeping, and me awake in it! We are DIFFERENT than them! We don't want to be quoting them!" Calvin said.

"Then what's with all the references?" Hobbes retorted.

"That sleeping line is bland! All our references are NOT bland! DO YOU GET IT NOW?!" Calvin was furious at Hobbes. Of course, Hobbes likes to play mind games too, because tigers are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo smart!

"CALVIN! QUIT YELLING!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111!!121Q12w!#1!!#!1W21OMG! !!#!q  
!WTFBBQ!3212q211213!!1111" Dad yelled from his room.

Calvin wondered if his dad was really French, and if they were going to have burgers that day.

Well, everyone woke up, and it was a normal day…until I start saying it's not. Basically, we're skipping to 11:05 PM, where a game of Calvinball was taking place.

"I AM IN THE PLANE OF DARKWING DUCK!" Calvin exclaimed. "EVERYONE MUST GIVE ME A DOLLAR!"

"Ah, but I am in the Normal Zone!" Hobbes countered. "THAT means I don't have to pay anyone anything!"

"HEY! Calvinball is not normal! Cheater!" Calvin countercountered.

"Well, um, I'M in the Counterstrike zone! You have to…umm…go "HABABABA!"!" Hobbes stumbled with the rules of the nerdiest zone ever in the history of Calvinball.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!1111111111111111111111111111111 Time for lunch!" Mom be said.

"k thx lol" Calvin to replied.

The family went to Friendly's for lunch. Calvin liked it. Hobbes did too. I wish I could say the same for Mom and Dad, though.

Over at the next table, a fat kid was screeching "SPY SAPPIN' MAH SENTRY!!1" The mother was a woman, and the father was a father. Different, huh?

Across from them was a void of darkness. A waitress emerged from that void.

"What would you like to order today?" It chirped.

"I'll take the swordfish steak." Dad answered.

"I want the Greek salad, please." Mom answered too.

"I'll take Rupert Chill's head on a silver platter, please." Calvin NONCHALANTLY answered.

Everyone stared at him.

"Um, I mean I want a cheeseburger. Large. And Hobbes wants tuna."

"SAY PLESEBEFOREIGHKROFGRPORGK" The waitress exploded. Thankfully, no one but the waitress was hurt, no aliens popped out, and Mom didn't explode this time.

Everyone got what they wanted, everyone ate up, and Stalin rolled over in his grave. Also, Kim-Jong-Ill died a little inside.

"Is that how you say his name?" Hobbes inquired.

Yes it is, now stfu before I kill you off.

"I DARE you to!" Hobbes replied, not complying.

"Hobbes, don't anger Smokin' Tacos! He'll pulverize you with his Taco Of Doom!" Calvin was righteously afraid.

THASS RITE!

"Dear?" Mom whispered to Dad.

"Yes?" Dad repiled his rectangular reptilian splines while he was replying to Mom.

"dddddddddddd**dddddddddddd**ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd_ddddddddddddddd_ddddddddddd_ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd_dddddddddd**ddddddddddddddddd**dddd_**dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd**_ddddd_ddddd_dd**dd**ddd_ddd_dddd_**dddd**_dddd" Mom answered.

Dad was unfazed. He didn't reply.

"LOLWUT 4 PAGES!" A dustball said.

"AHA! DUSTBALL! IT IS I, DAD, AND I SHALL VANQUISH YOU!" Dad was surprised of his arch-nemesis' appearance.

"Dear, save it for when it's your turn to vacuum!" Mom ushered Dad.

Later that day, at home, Calvin was drawing a plan to infiltrate the Aperture Science laboratories on the other side of town. One of his classmates at school had a father that worked there, and he spread some rumors that Aperture was working on a kind of gun that fires portals. Don't ask.

"Come ON!" Hobbes complained. "Don't tell me you're going to rehash the entire plot of Portal now! Besides, it's copyrighted to Valve!"

coughcoughDISCLAIMERScoughcough And, actually, I'm considering having a season finale TV movie about that. You get to-

"Don't give it away!" Calvin shushed ME! The nerve!

"Ooooh, look! A favorite!" Hobbes said in astonishment while pointing at Sonicmario.

"Calvin! Time for dinner!" Mom(my) commanded.

"Well, Hobbes, we don't want a repeat of LAST episode, so we'll just end this episode right here. I'm sure my ten billion screaming fans will thank me for it later."

"Sounds good." Hobbes said the last line, NOT Calvin!

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_What an episode! Even though this one is slightly shorter, I think I'm getting better! I might actually do an episode (read: TV movie, possibly season finale) of C&H infiltrating Aperture Science, and are forced to complete the Enrichment Center tests. What can I say? I love Portal!_

_And, a big thanks to Sonicmario, who really did favorite this series. Thanks, and please R&R(and favorite)! Oh, and, flames ARE allowed, even though I can simply ignore them.  
_


	3. Warped At 5,000 Degrees Cliché, Or Not

_It is sooooooo hard and time-consuming to write chapters for stories that no-one even reads. But, I was reading the other episodes of this series, and suddenly became inspired. Don't ask me why, you ungrateful brats. Here ya go!_

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**Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series - Episode 3: Warped At 5,000 Degrees Cliché, Or Not**

Calvin was _le tired_. Hobbes was too.

"Hrmm. I wonder where _le accent grave_ is." Calvin muttered.

"Calvin, weren't you going to deliver a speech to the audience?" Hobbes said.

"You mean the soul-crushing one?"

"No."

"The one where we make a resolution to be like an "ordinary" C&H TV show?"

"Yea."

"Alright, Hobbes, YOU WIN HIS TIME. -sigh- For today's episode, viewers, we will be more "ordinary", like most other cookiecutter C&H TV shows clogging up Nickelodeon like condos in Florida(or suburbs in Colorado Springs, for that matter). I have a feeling that we won't enjoy this. groan" Calvin spoke not unlike John F. Kennedy. Noble man, he was.

"But, viewers, if we're going to so this, then let us enjoy one last moment of randomness." Calvin raised his hand to his heart, just as Doctor Brainstorm landed in his red rocket, and yelled:

"CLAV1N AH SH3L PWN J00 LOL"

"You mean Sheila?" Calvin inquired.

"Oh, I do NOT want to hear the upcoming-

"_**GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 HULK SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 NO, WAIT, I CONFUSED HIM AND ME! SHEILA SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111**_" Sheila Brainstorm rudely interrupted Hobbes right in the middle of his sentence.

Dr. Frnak died from the sheer loudness.

"_**IT'S DOCTOR FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!**_ Wait, what did I just say?" Brainstorm's dead body mumbled on like a zombie.

"It's a good thing that this story is not set within the Swing123 and garfieldodie universe, or else the universe would have imploded!" Jack was clearly samrtrr than Brainstorm, anyways.

And Jack left with FRANK's dead body. Heh. Lol. Frank Miller from Dead Rising. Brainstorm's probably going to start a zombie army, considering the way he mumbled when I called him Frank for the (NOT) last time. And Frank Miller's gonna kill him.

"I'd like to see him take on Dr. Thunderstorm as a zombie now!" Calvin snickered.

Oh, deary me, it seems that we have failed on our randomless-ness quota for this episode! Ah, well. Let's do something else, shall we? How about a…

_**FAIRY ODDPARENTS CROSSOVER!**_

"This early in the series?! You gotta be kidding me!" Calvin complained.

Alright, so I was joking.

"Damn RIGHT you better have!" Hobbes backed up Calvin.

So, everyone returns to their normal duties. Because, Calvin made a pledge to be normal, AND BY GOD, WE SHALL _FOLLOW IT_!

* * *

So, later that day, C&H were taking a fine stroll down the sidewalk by their house, Mom was watering the plants, Dad was mowing the lawn, and everyone was doing their summer thang. But suddenly Moe and his gang came along.

"Hey, Twinky, ready for another butt exam?" Moe growled threateningly.

"sigh Moe, you know it's called a rectal examination." Calvin was sick of Moe's "games".

But before Moe could do a thing, he and his cronies died of heart attacks. Simultaneously. Don't ask me how.

"Well, that takes care of that!" Calvin said.

"Oooh, Calvin, look! It's Microsoft Word! And he doesn't look too happy!" Hobbes pointed out.

"What? I thought he was dead!" Calvin replied in surprise.

"**WELL, I'M NOT! AS LONG AS SMOKIN' TACOS KEEPS USING ME AS HIS PRIMARY WORD PROCESSOR, I RULE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**" Microsoft Word exclaimed.

"Well, Hobbes, what should we do? Fight, or flight?" Calvin whispered back to Hobbes.

"Hrmm. Lemme think." Hobbes whispered back.

Microsoft Word pulled out an AutoCorrect scimitar. No one else in the neighborhood seemed to notice though.

"**HAHAHAHA! GO BACK TO COMMUNIST RUSSIA-IMEAN THE REALM OF COOKIECUTTER C&H TV SERIESES, WHERE YOU BELONG! MORTAL FOOL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**" MS Word yelled threateningly.

"I'd say RUN FOR OUR LIVES, Calvin." Hobbes suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

And, so, the two ran like the A-Team does sometimes, and Microsoft Word gave chase. The curtain drops, the credits roll, the Communist anthem plays, and MS Word is now an official CAH:NRATVS villain, albeit a minor one.

**THE END**

**(to this episode, anyways)**

* * *

_Hrmm. I'd say a pretty good episode. Sorry for not updating a lot, I have other things to do other stories to read (and write). As if anyone cares, lol. If I offend anyone because of this series, I offer my apologies. This is a comedy series, if you don't like it, read something else, and if you must point it out, don't be a condescending, cocky coffer, will ya?_

_Oh, and please, R&R! It's a poor series, and it needs money for food and clothing! PLEASE! Donate! R AND R!_


	4. The WHAT?

_I'm glad to have at least 1 fan: Sonicmario! He favorited ME as a favorite author! YAY! So, i'ma dedicate this episode to him! How do ya like THAT? He gave me a list of characters that I could use, so I will. YAY AGAIN. Oh, and bananas will die. Just a fair warning._

_

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_

**Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series - Episode 4: The WHAT?!**

The episode opens with a shot of Calvin's yard. Hobbes was sipping on the porch, sitting a piña colada (lolwut), and Calvin was getting the mail. It was a fine day, no clouds, blah blah, repeat of scenery for last part of previous episode, blah blah. Moe is alive again, though. Don't ask me how, I don't know.

"Hey, Hobbes!"

"Yeah, Calvin?"

"Come and check this out!"

"Is it another postcard from one of our enemies?"

"No, Hobbes, it's a letter from our dear fan Sonicmario!"

Hobbes whizzed over. He

…

um, well, you see, there was a slight technical difficulty here. You see, (,ees uoY), the author lost interest in this pseudo-television series right after the word "He". He hasn't forgotten about this, and has decided to continue the series for god-knows-how long. (A/N: most of that time will probably be spent navigating this site's curmudgeonly story uploader).

…

looked Calvin in the eye, and said:

"Don't you think that we're a little bit confusing to follow?"

"FALCON PUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!" Calvin replahd

"You are proving my point!" Hobbes replied

"Hey, where are the periods at the end of our sentences?" Calvin inquired

"I believe they were stolen by the two ellipses up there. See them?" Hobbes repliedeilper

"Calvin! Time for lunch!" Mom said

Calvin and Hobbes went to lunch and had the most inappropriately-worded and BORINGEST lunch EVAR

"Mom, where are the periods?" Calvin asked his mother.

"Why, they're right there at the end of your sentences! Why would you think they had disappeared?" Mom repddddeil!!!!!!!!!1111

"Aliens! Aliens from other C&H TV series'!" Clavin be gone to done replahasdhasjhgsask

On any note, the rest of the half-hour went unsurprisingly normal, when Dad came home early from work.

"Hi Dad!" Calvin said with glee as he hugged his father.

"Hi, Calvin!" Dad hugged him back.

"So, how'd your big case go today?"

"Oh, it went very good! SpongeBob SquarePants got a life sentence!"

"Dad! You cruel fiend! MOOOOOOM!"

"_**DEAR!**_"

As Dad got the life whipped out of him in the torture room in the basement downstairs, Calvin got a visit from Captain Redundant, and his friend, Captain Underpants and the Plot Crew, which consisted of Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson, Bugs Bunny, Garfield, Tom Cruise, Captain Underpants, and Sir Run-On-Sentences, and the leader of that company happened to be this series' inscrutable and only fan, Sonicmario.

Calvin greeted them: "Hey guys! What's up?"

The Plot Crew didn't move a muscle.

Popeye married Olive Oyl, and the Seven Seas parted as Moses VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII parted them yet again, as the PC didn't move. The Doom Printer died, and incidentally hallmarked one of the first cases of continuity in this outstanding, award-winning televisione programme. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

.

The Plot Crew (and Captain Redundant) exited Stage Left, as they had done their job: putting a semblance of plot and continuity (somewhat) in this random mass of a FANFICTION ON ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB ON THE INTERNEToissssssssssssssssssssdjkisadfj

Long paragraphs interrupted by almost no text.

"NEW YORK CITY ABABABABBAAABABAABAY!" Hobbes incidentally, and accidentally, ruptured his spleen!

The author apologizes for having all this crappy randomness in lieu of actually good jokes. His friends haet him for it. He also lives of Nestea. HeHishehishisheHisHeHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii

"Smokin' Tacos, will you STOP making shitty (GASPY GASP SWEAR WURDD) stories full of literally random crap?!" Mom berated the author.

You DO realize the power I have, right? Certainly much more than ruling over the life of a small, imaginative child and stifling him for all he's worth!

"Young man, you shall NOT speak to me like that again! And as for these "power-

**THE END**

**

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**

_I apologize for not writing as much as I used to (even though I only have 3 other episodes to draw from). I guess the juice is draining! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_


	5. bin?

_Here we go, another chapter, another dollar. HEEHEJEEOH_

_

* * *

  
_

**Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series - Episode 4: bin?**

As the camera pans over to our two heroes, we see them murdering a whole field of living bananas.

"DIE, YOU FOUL BEASTS!" Calvin yelled at the top of LUNG.

"But we haven't done anything!" The bananas rerpdieled back.

"But bananas! We have to kill you to make up for last episode! We didn't kill any then even though we said we would! Or else Smokin' Tacos will kill us!" Hobbes tried to reason with them.

Eventually, the duo brutally murdered every banana in the field. They then proceeded to have a FEAST! of BANANANICAL PROPORTIONS!!!!!!!11111111111

Oh, and they sold some to some dude in Power Armor with a Gatling Laser. For free. Because he had a frigging Gatling Laser.

"Nice Fallout 3 reference. And will you put some variation into how we say our dialogue?" Calvin criticized.

NO.

"Well, I guess that's reason enough."

…

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Later on, Calvin was making yet ANOTHER invention in his room, while Hobbes was reading a Grognak the Barbarian comic book.

"Lookit this," Hobbes xclaimed, "there's a free text adventure program you can get if you send in 5 proof of purchases and your mother's soul!"

"Hobbes, do it."

"YESSSIR"

Hobbes did the dirty deed, that dastardly custard.

Soon, they got the text adventure in the mail. They had a great time with the box it came in after they discovered the disc was really a floppy disc from the '70's. If only Dad hadn't thrown away his Commodore 64…

"Calvin! Here comes the BOSSSK" Hobbes POINTED

Indeed, there came strolling about a GIANT ANT. FIGHT!

Calvin hits the ant for MASSIVE DAMAGE! DHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKYITuy6AYVTC6SQLS=0P[F;';979pcq3,MJYYCao8;/P0;8'0PC38fewg/P97T/;P9ecpw ef;f we

OJEWRG[IW"WG "Wg

W

W

W

E

Ethqwrnhyj hr

Y5

**ERROR**

**PLEASE CONTACT SYSADMIN**

**A fatal exception FU has occurred at 93744:l93222222222222222222222 in OIREU(uefh9r24hfr9u) _ ieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. The current application will be terminated. Bill Gates owns you.**

* * *

_I wish I could use different fonts and sizes. :( Also, sorry about this one being really short. My inspiration wasn't that big when I was weiting this chapter, and there were ants attacking me literally. ;(  
_


	6. Chapter 7: Hey, It'sWHAT THE FUCK

_Since the fourth chapter of Garfield123's masterpiece series has been released, I decided to release another episode of my series too. And now, faithful readers, it's time to dive into the putrid, wallowing mess of HELL…I mean this fic._

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_

**Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series - Episode 7: Hey, It's…Not An Actual Crossover?! Also Known as WHAT THE FUCK SMOKIN' TACOS SKIPPED AN EPISODE**

"IT'S A SIGN OF HAPPINESS!"

Calvin suddenly stopped in his tracks. He heard someone screaming about happiness, while he was getting a snack from the fridge.

"Whateva." Calvin sed.

He got a gallon tub of |_33T 1CE CR33/\/\ (C00K1EZ |\| CR33/\/\ flavor) from the freezer, and returned to the living room where Hobbes was watching Lifetime.

"Hobbes you traitor! Switch it back to Cartoon Network or i'll demote you to G.R.O.S.S. janitor!" CALVIN WERE FUROIUS.

"o rly" hobess aid

"ya rly" clavin relpied

Hobbes obliged. Did I mention Calvin's parents were out shopping and they thought that since Calvin just turned seven (CONTINUITY BREAK HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A STICK), he should have some extra responsibility? (read: letting him stay home without a babysitter)

Anyway, they were watching the Tom and Jerry Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo when suddenly, there was a knock on the door!!!1

"Who could that be? Surely Mom and Dad can't be home this early!" Hobbes reasoned with his SUPERIOR TIGER BRANE

"I'll get it." Calvin went to answer the door, ray gun in hand. (at least I didn't rip off the MTM or something)

HEY KIDS, I'M SMOKIN' TACOS AND WE'RE GOING TO PLAY "HOW SHOULD I WRITE THE DOOR SCENE WITHOUT SOUNDING TRITE AND BORING?"!

Calvin opened the door, and THE CAT IN THE GODDAMN HAT was standing there.

"Why I'm the Pedophile…er, Cat in the Hat, bringing fun and games to kids left home for over 50 year**-**"***BLAM***

And then his head exploded. And then his body dissipated into the mists of plot holes. And THEN…nothing else happened. Calvin shrugged, wiped off the gore on his clothes, closed the door and went back to Hobbes, who was busy being OUTRAGED by a HORRIBLE English dub of some anime called One Piece.

"This is THE MOST OVERRATED PIECE OF TRIPE I'VE EVER LAID EYES ON!" Hobbes practically roared!

"Man, you're a good contender for the Nostalgia Critic!" Calvin .dias

"I know."

They continued to watch and mock the show ala MST3K(1), and then proceed to go on an awesome adventure. So awesome, that it crossed the spectrum and actually was a completely boring adventure not even worthy of Peter Chimera.

And their parents STILL weren't home!

"Maybe they were caught in a plot hole." Hobbes pondered the possibilities of Palvin's parents pnd pheir ppppp

"Hobbes! FRONT AND CENTER! I'm calling an emergency G.R.O. S. S. meeting right here, right now!"

And they set up the meeting place and read the minutes and fought and all that brouhaha. Then, Calvin announced their mission:

"Gentalmen(that was intentional), you all have seen the horrible One Piece English dub. It does absolutely NO justice to the better Japanese version! So, we are NOT annoying Susie or Candace today! We are instead, going to annoy the 4kids crew! There may be some girls there, so this is justified, k?"

"HOORAH!"

They then proceeded to throw water balloons at the 4Kids headquarters, which happened to be located in **SYNTAX ERROR_8U97RYH4YRGHT**, Calvin's hometown.

After that, isdfhdsifnbshfbahdsfbdsfbdshfbdshufbdshfbdfhbdsfbdsfhbdshfbdhfbdsafbhdsgfhbds Hobbes and Calvin got home and their parents were still not there.

"Who cares about them?" They agreed.

And they did YET ANOTHER FUCKING ADVENTURE IN THE SAME GODDAMN EPISODE FULL OF CLICHED ADVENTURES. This time they went to the moon and shat on George Lucas' head.

After their little escapade, they returned home. It had been 6 days since Mom and Dad left, and they still weren't back!

"Whew! That was…NOT FUN AT ALL." Hobbes shouted into the sky. "Seriously Smokin' Tacos, you gotta come up with some original material instead of taking ideas from your fans!"

Shut up, It's my fic, I can do whatever I want with it…including delete it.

Anywho, a living statue of Walt Disney showed up soon after (how is that even possible), and offered C AND H a billion dollars to make little plush dolls of the duo.

"HET! Bill Watterson wouldn't want that, and neither would the both of us, Smokin' Tacos, garfieldodie, Sonicmario and any other fan of us!" CADNH proceeded to go on a long tirade on how they didn't want to be plush dolls.

Then I magically created a trapdoor under Dalt Wisney and he fel down and died

teh end

Suddenly, Mom and Dad came through the door...erm wait, no they didn't. They just fell down the same trapdoor I forgot to remove, and died in a pit of spikes. Don't worry, they'll be back the next episode due to the power of RETCON.

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_You probably didn't get half of the jokes in this episode. I think you should browse the Internet more._


	7. Actual Chapter 7: Full Life Clichés 2

_Welcome back! It's 1 AM, I'm tired and listening to the Bananaphone song, and you know what that means! It's time to rebel against the Combine! No…wait…wrong fic…whatever…I've been playing too much Half-Life. Anyway, enjoy._

_Oh, and a word of warning: Go and read Half-Life: Full Life Consequences by squirrelking. You can read the sequels if you want, but the first story is key if you want to understand the first half of the second half of this Hellspawn of a fanfic._

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**Calvin An' Hobbes: Not Really A TV Series – Episode 7 (for realz): Full Life Clich****és 2**

Hokay, so Calvin and Hobbes were eating some bananas on their front porch, unaware that they would soon be pawns in my cruel game of ridiculous fanfiction…whateva!

"Calvin…do we have any purpose in our lives?" Hobbes asked idly.

"We're still young after 20 years of comics, NOT being plush dolls, fanfiction and rule 34…what the hell do you think?!" Calvin replied stingily…is that even a word?

"At least you're seven years old now…maybe you have a rare disease!" Hobbes replied.

"Well, maybe it's the side effect of Ruper-what the hell am I hearing?" Calvin perked his ears up.

It soon became apparent what he was hearing – a giant banana singing the BANANAPHONE song! C&H joined in, as the entire universe spent three minutes and sixteen seconds dancing to the most ridiculous song in the history of bowling balls.

And suddenly, Calvin's little sister Sarah-san came running up. She happens to be four years old.

"HAY CALVIN!!1 I FOUND A DOG DOODIE!!!!!!1111111111111111" She screamed so loud an alternate universe portal appeared, and through that portal stared a man in a blue jumpsuit with yellow stripes and the number 13. He walked away into an endless desert soon after.

"Sarah-san!" Calvin was angry and kind of sad too but he doesn't care because humens had to be saved…wrong fic again. I'm on a bad roll here. "What are you doing?!"

Sarah-san ate the dog doodie and she died of various painful diseases. She was a minor character and adopted anyway. I didn't want to keep track of her because I'm a fat lazy bastard that way.

C&H were indifferent.

Anyway, the family went to the store. They picked out the usual – tuna, peanut butter, orgasmic sashimi…it was all perfectly good, fine and completely normal. They saw a glipse of my idol, Lord Mandalore (hey, demi-god fanfic writers have idols too ya know!) who was getting conebread by the pound, and Gordon Freeman, who seemed to have wandered his way there via an intra-dimensional portal. Gosh, there's a lot of alternate universe crap here today!

That was all peanuts compared to what they saw near the ice cream aisle…C&H's evil twins, Cullen and Hobart. They were literally negative-colored, that is, Hobart's stripes were white and stuff.

And then…they saw each other.

Cullen pointed DRAMATICALLY at Calvin (like that dude in Body Snatchers) and said:

"YOOOOOU!!!! IT IS YOOOOOOU!!!!!!"

Calvin was kind of flabbergasted. His enemies…they never tried this kind of stuff before. Maybe he had new enemies - oh, there was no time for that dabbling! Calvin mentally resolved himself as Hobbes and the evil twins did so too, and they knew what had to be done…

…they had to live up to their family name and face FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!!!

Almost imediately, they lept at each other! Calvin drew his lasor gun but the evil clone tried to grabe it and suuccceeded! Culenn then swept thew laser at Hobbbes and hit it and Hobes blood fell out.

Hobess said: "Nooooo my blood!" And he went more faster with furious and kicked Cullen in face. And then Calvin got out nother invention, and tis one was faster with more bullet and pasers! Calvin shot lazer at Cullen and the part of him that was evil flew off but there was still evil left and now evil nfected jars of tomatoes where they were on shelf next to fightin.

"calvin! Hobbes said. We need to kil them FASTLY!

"Yes we need to save the shopmarket and our selves!" Calvin sed back.

When suddenly he big bad Culen got out super lasoer gun!

"Haha. I win!!" He said as he fired it at the Calvin and Hobes..but thewy dodged it!

"Gadzoooks1" He said

Hobees said "Calvin! Use your SUPER INVENSHUN TO KILL THE EVIL!" And he did that…

…time seemd to slow down as the invention was being USED. And thew twins were injurd weh nit was all over.

"No! We are hurtin and we give up!"

And at that moment, the evil seemed to dissipate, and the squirrelking-like atmosphere floated away.

"We…argh…aren't who you think we are…" Cullen moaned (and woaned and groaned).

"Spill the beans!" Calvin yelled. "Who made you? Rupert? Brainstorm? Microsoft Word?"

"No…" Cullen continued. "…something far more…powerful…something you will never comprehend…"

"Just stop already! We know who made you and this drawn out crap isn't helping!" Hobbes replied in a tired tone.

"You fools…you and your lopsided thinking…will doom the universe!" Cullen was a bit more ominous now as he bled out on the supermarket floor.

"I wonder what Smokin' Tacos was smoking! I mean, this is horribly OOC for this fic. Also, I just broke the fourth wall again." Hobbes said.

"Yeah, that thing's been taking a beating lately!" Calvin replied to Hobbes.

"Now…you and your foolishness…stops…HERE!" Cullen yelled as he got up…and transformed into something worse. His whole body contorted into what looked like a giant, green Captain Spock face…with red eyes.

"I AM YHVH!" The Spock face bellowed." "I SHALL SMITE THEE, AND IN HELL I…WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

"This is stupid, OOC, not funny and a load of other things. Let's split, Hobbo." Calvin was bored.

"I agree." Hobbes replied.

"THIS WON'T SAVE YOU FROM A FATE IN HELL, YOU WHELPS!" YHVH continued to spam mostly empty threats as the duo found their parents, checked out, went home and resumed their not-normal lives. They were completely unaware of the fate that beheld them, their town, planet, universe, and bananas…

…I'm kidding. Nothing happened…?

**THE END (of a tale that started once upon a time)**

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_I threw in ANOTHER reference you won't ever get. Jesus, I need to cut back._


End file.
